i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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