she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
PANTIES FOUND
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