it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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