Buhtt sex?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
