her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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