We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
