So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
