I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
