Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
