did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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