no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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