the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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