My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
