last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
