so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
