How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
