The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
