On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
