Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
