the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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