You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
