I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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