Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
