Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
