What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
