I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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