I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
That reminds me...we need to get swords
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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