So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
