Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
