I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
