Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
