just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
