Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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