I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
