So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
