I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
