Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We are all done wearing pants today
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
