It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
