Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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