READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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