you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
