Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
