I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
