I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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