i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
