I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
