She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
