May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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