just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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