How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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