billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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